Jubilant Rangers Throw Skates Into Stands – 10 hours, 34 minutes ago
The Onion — Jubilant Rangers Throw Skates Into Stands Read More
RemovePushy Hermit Crab Girlfriend Wants To Move In – 11 hours, 19 minutes ago
The Onion — Pushy Hermit Crab Girlfriend Wants To Move In Read More
Letters To The Editor: One More Like – 13 hours, 4 minutes ago
The Onion — Dear The Onion, I don’t have a Facebook account, but I just wanted you to know that I enjoy your publication. Please add one to whatever number of likes you currently have online. Carly Durland, Binghamton, NY Read More
Sculpture Of Stereotypical Italian Chef Proof Of Pizzeria’s High Standard Of Excellence – 14 hours, 34 minutes ago
The Onion — MINNEAPOLIS—According to customers, a fiberglass sculpture of a fat mustachioed Italian stereotype recently placed in front of Gunther's Pizza has provided irrefutable proof of the restaurant's high standard of excellence. Read More
Sportsgraphic: Metta World Peace – 15 hours, 34 minutes ago
The Onion — Mr. World Peace changed his name last year in order to show he'd rejected the hooliganism that got him in trouble as Ron Artest, but he's also coming off a seven-game suspension for a blind elbow. Read More
Ohio Film Festival Graphic Designer To Go With Film Reels For The O's – 16 hours, 19 minutes ago
The Onion — Ohio Film Festival Graphic Designer To Go With Film Reels For The O's Read More
Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game – 17 hours, 34 minutes ago
The Onion — GOLDSBORO, NC—Anticipating the very likely need for rapid medical evacuation, a fleet of ambulances from several regional hospitals took up positions Saturday at the edge of Fairview Park, where a group of 41-year-old former college frie... Read More
TV Listings: The Return Of Eddie – 1 day, 10 hours ago
The Onion — TLC 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Eddie returns to Cleveland, where he hasn’t been since he was a kid, and is surprised to find they built the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame there. Read More
American Voices: Sweetener Makes You Dumber – 1 day, 11 hours ago
The Onion — A study published in The Journal of Physiology demonstrated that rats given substantial amounts of high fructose corn syrup learned and remembered less than a control group. Read More
HARRISBURG, PA—Josh Newton, 32, wouldn't say that Thursday was a complete waste, since he did watch nearly every video about Jeffrey Dahmer on YouTube. – 1 day, 12 hours ago
The Onion — HARRISBURG, PA—Josh Newton, 32, wouldn't say that Thursday was a complete waste, since he did watch nearly every video about Jeffrey Dahmer on YouTube. Read More
SMU Adds "Do Not Resuscitate" To Larry Brown's Contract – 1 day, 12 hours ago
The Onion — SMU Adds "Do Not Resuscitate" To Larry Brown's Contract Read More
[video] Dying Chevron Executive Excited To One Day Become Oil – 1 day, 13 hours ago
The Onion — The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go with film reels for the O's. It's the wee... Read More
Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms – 1 day, 14 hours ago
The Onion — NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB announced Friday it was launching an... Read More
Sportsgraphic: Famous Flops In Sports – 1 day, 15 hours ago
The Onion — Faking outrage or egregious injury in order to draw a penalty, once the purview of soccer players, is becoming more and more common across all sports these days. Read More
Magazine: That One Kid In High School Who Had A Hearing Aid: We Check And See How Bad His Hearing Is Now – 1 day, 15 hours ago
The Onion — That One Kid In High School Who Had A Hearing Aid: We Check And See How Bad His Hearing Is Now Read More
Alien Still Hasn't Gotten Around To Listening To Whole Voyager Golden Record – 1 day, 16 hours ago
The Onion — 47 U. MAJORIS STAR SYSTEM—Roughly 18 months after discovering the collection of common Earth sounds contained on the golden record placed aboard the Voyager probe NASA launched in 1977, extraterrestrial Richard Ellinger, 237, admitted Fr... Read More
American Voices: New DVR Can Skip Ads – 1 day, 16 hours ago
The Onion — A new DVR sold by the Dish Network comes with the capability to pass over ads and is sending shockwaves through the television industry. Read More
Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice – 1 day, 17 hours ago
The Onion — MIAMI—After straining his abdominal muscles, Miami power forward Chris Bosh will be out indefinitely in what appears to be a severe case of poetic justice for his arrogant and presumptive team, sources close to the Heat confirmed Tuesday... Read More
[audio] Local Man Shot With Girly Pistol – 1 day, 18 hours ago
New Vikings Stadium's Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed – 2 days, 10 hours ago
The Onion — New Vikings Stadium's Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed Read More
